He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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