Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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