god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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