when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
