Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
