1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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