drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
