I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
