I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
