I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
