dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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