He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
