very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
