Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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