Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
