It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
