I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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