At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize