I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize