The best revenge is premature balding
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
two words...techno handjob
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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