george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
