apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
