Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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