He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
