I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
