watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
