theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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