Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Found your dick twin last night
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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