Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
