Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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