either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
