when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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