so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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