I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
