would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
