My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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