i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize