I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize