Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize