My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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