i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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