I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i will never coherently bang her
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
