your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
