if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Pooping to opera.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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