How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
No subtext here. People are naked.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
