I'm laying in your front yard are you home
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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