Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
