you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
