Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
