my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
