so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
