mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
