party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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