Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
