is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
