I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
