My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
